I only know I would have been 20 weeks yesterday, because I put it in my calendar.
By now we would have known the gender of our baby (probably “announced” it at Thanksgiving to our family) and would have made it to the big 20 week ultrasound. Because, by now the jack and jill guest rooms I once started cleaning to welcome our new babe, remains untouched with things out of place. I still haven’t gone back to clean the room.
But unfortunately, it’s been 9 weeks since we lost our baby.
It’s been two and a half months of emotions that come in and leave like crashing waves. Waves don’t ever really stop, ya know. #Science
The time has flown by and taken forever, all the same. I’ll say once the physical reminders stopped (cramping, spotting and whatever else came out - too much?), the emotional and mental aspect of healing got better.
To be honest, anger and resentment were emotions I never really initially felt.
Sadness is real, though. Isolation and loneliness is real.
I have felt sad one day you feel you are pregnant and the next day you’re not anymore… it’s crazy how those symptoms immediately stop.
I felt (and continue to feel sad) because I know there are so many other people out there who do not have a child to go home to like I do.
I feel sad people are still trying on their own.
I feel sad for people whose doors are closed leaving women to question if they are broken or failures. That makes me REALLY sad. And I hope if that is you and you are reading, you finish this post to the bottom!
I feel sad others do feel anger and resentment.
I might not consistently feel anger or resentment, but I do feel bitter.
I have felt bitter at times because other people in my life who were pregnant at the same time as me continue to carry their child.
I have felt bitter because it’s too hard to ask some of my friends how they are feeling during their pregnancy, because it hurts so deep inside.
I feel bitter hearing people complain or being so thankful their nausea is gone, because I’d give my whole heart to feel that “symptom” coming out of my body.
It’s not their fault.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being bitter… and sad.
But somehow, I have joy. I know it sounds weird, but I have been able to find joy in the midst of the dark pain.
I have joy knowing my story matters. Our stories matter. Your story matters.
I have joy our story has inspired others…
“Thank you for sharing your story…”
“Thank you, I felt the same way when it happened to me…”
“Thank you for for helping me understand how I can love and serve my friend who had this happened to them…”
I feel joy hearing “thank you”. And those two words brings me to tears and sends me to my knees in prayer, even in the midst the inevitable, “why me? why us? am i broken?” questions. Gosh, I want to heal all the hearts who have felt this pain.
I have joy our story has allowed others to say “it happened to me… literally on the same day as you.” The same day? How? Why? But, oh what joy it brings me knowing we’re in this together.
I have joy our story has allowed others to read a previous post and go back to it a week later when they suffered their own loss. Joy. Not for their misfortune, but joy they had somewhere to go and something to read. I have joy knowing THEY KNOW THEY AREN’T ALONE.
I have joy because our story allowed friends of mine to ask ME what THEIR friends need, because their friend just went through a miscarriage.
Humanity CAN overwhelm you with joy in the midst of pain if you allow it to enter.
Life is messy, but making your mess your message and available for others whether they outwardly express what they’re feeling or not is helpful.
So what has helped? What continues to get me through it all? Because, it’s not over. The waves are real. The pain and triggers happen in the most random of minutes and feels almost too real certain days. And it leaves you wondering where that lifeguard is to pull you out of the water.
Small group.
Being vulnerable is a scary thing, especially for a 7. I’m an escapist aka someone who avoids pain, fear and have successfully covered it up for most of my life. EVERYTHING IS FINE. I don’t want to come across as a needy complainer, but these are my people and they are my eyes, ears and shoulders, for sure. And for 3 years I have laughed, cried and consumed a lot of calories over celebrations and disappointments. Grateful doesn’t begin to describe my love for this crew.
Find your crew.
Girls nights.
Here is the Hallmark Christmas movie guide. You’re welcome.
Talking about it.
May I say this one a few times? Talking about it has helped me more than anything. I know not everyone is an external processor like me, but I hope you tell those close to you what you need.
Rare Earth Organic Cab from Trader Joes.
However, shoutout to the Alpharetta/Milton/Roswell suburban moms who continue to ransack the supply, buy in bulk and leave us peasants who don’t know delivery day out in the dust. I’m watching you.
The Bahamas.
I’m convinced any place with 24 hour access to nachos can pull you out of anything. Maybe not our country’s debt or the fiasco of what is the Ohio State football team, but a lot of things.
Oreos.
I’ll be honest, grieving through Halloween and now Thanksgiving has its perks.
My husband.
I don’t know how he made it down this far on the list (i keep him humble), but yes, he is decent at best.
Lauren Daigle’s “Look up, Child” album.
I literally had this album before everything happened, then everything happened and it was on replay. Constant replay. My girlfriend sent me the album again, so now i have 2x the amount of these songs and that’s been a huge win.
These “Trust in You” lyrics have spoken to my soul like you wouldn’t believe:
When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust in You
BURN Boot Camp.
I could not WAIT to be medically cleared and get back to working out. I needed that release and man has it been helpful. The second I was able to sweat again, I felt like my mind was back to normal.
What’s your release?
This message from the Scrogg Dogg on grief.
Listen here. And definitely pass on to anyone else in your life who is dealing with grief.
Dawson’s Creek - I’m on season 6.
Tua time.
10 and oh records help. #18in8
Roll tide.
Ocean’s 8
I wanted to watch it so badly the day after my DNC procedure and couldn’t find where to rent it, so we just bought the dang thing. I’ve watched it 3 times, because, why not?
Update: the joke is on me, because we disconnected our cable provider for YouTubeTV and now I lost the movie all over again.
Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis.
Rise Together (from said “Girl, Wash your Face” author) podcast
I’m specifically talking about the sex episode. To my married ladies (aka not my high school girls who might be reading this), it’s awesome. And even on days when you’re not feeling desirable, take a listen.
“Train yourself to be Godly”
Okay, so that might sound like a weird quote or thing to say, but hear me out…
Tim talked to our team this week and challenged us not to be reactionary with our faith. I know it sounds obvious, but maturity isn’t going to find me and I must seek it out. Tim referenced an article in which some of the top CEO’s do two things and they do these two things really well:
Help other people feel cared for
Self development
At the end of the day, we should have people in our corner helping us with 6 different areas in our life. Essentially, we should have an expert in each of these areas and actively seek them out for guidance and direction, which in turn will help our development overall:
Emotionally
Relationally
Physically
Financially
Intellectually
Spiritually
Find people to help you grow in these areas.
Katherine and Jay Wolf
I want to close with this little nugget, but dang could I have written the whole post about meeting the Wolf’s this past Sunday. On Sunday we hosted the Wolf’s at North Point and hearing her story and spending intimate time with them truly changed the trajectory of my outlook on everything.
If you don’t know their story, read it here and buy their book.
Also, you can watch their message from North Point this past Sunday HERE. Do yourself a favor and get on it.
Katherine asked, “Do you have any children?” and I burst into tears. My heart was so heavy that morning because I genuinely felt the holy spirit tell me that morning, before I put my feet onto the floor, “hey… you’re going to feel some things today.” And boy, did I ever. Katherine leaned into my pain and healed me that day in more ways than one. I’ll forever be grateful for the time we spent together. She listened. She empathized. She loved. She cared.
She spoke to me about the importance of leaning into others pain, looking them in the eye, distraction free and truly making a connection with them. How could a little thing like eye contact touch your soul so deeply?
I’ll forever treasure the following so close to my heart:
“If you have a pulse you have a purpose and God hasn’t called you home yet.”
“Suffering is a huge opportunity to be like Jesus” <— MIC FREAKIN DROP. How can I ever complain?
“We can’t be healed until we have been a part of someone else’s healing…”
And my personal favorite?
“God made you to do the hard thing in the good story he is writing in your life.”
Dang, yall.
Whatever season you are in, I hope the words above can serve as encouragement.
Hang in there and know we are all in this ol thing we call life together. Or at least that’s what Facebook, Twitter and Instagram tell me.
- NNP